Third Time Lucky?
by Yokel
Summary: Padme settles into the entire Mistress of Evil thing, while Obi Wan returns for a new mission and promptly fails. Darth Vader and Obi Wan finally have the big confrontation action lovers have been waiting for.


AN-This is the third part of our little project. I suggest, logically, that you read the first two snippets first.

Scene#

Senate

Pinhead- Obi Wan, you are being sent to certain death, to kill the ultimate evil Count Chocula. I'm afraid this means an agonizing death, but you are a sacrifice we are willing to make

OW- Verifying Vortexes! I'll do it, for how can I call myself a man, a Jedi, a senator, and a cabbage farmers united club card holder if I didn't give up my life for my noble friends.

(As Obi Wan exits we see bookmaker taking bets on OW dying written on napkins)

Scene#

OW is driving in pink beetle with lime-green and purple flowers on it; MPS is hidden in his boot

MPS- I'm more than miffed, I mean if there is anyone who knows about going towards certain death, it's me, just because he is unfeasibly alive again.

(OW's car breaks down, he walks to the evil lair, looking exhausted, and meets Count Chocula in the remains of his house near a giant pit bearing the sign 'Dramatic Ending fight scene location which is non-viably dangerous, featuring spikes, poisonous snakes and MORE!)

CC- Gee, we really pick the best places, don't we?

OW- At last, Count Chocula, prepare for the final battle, for good to triumph over evil, for people to happily run in fields again…or something along those lines

CC- I say, old chap, you've got some terrible sabre burns, don't you know that there's 2 for 1 on skin cream with double advantage card points at 'Boots'?

OW- Really? (Sprints off and meets MPS) Could you take care of the Count for me, Pinks?

(MPS looks at camera and raises eyebrow)

Scene#

(OW is walking in a classical suburban neighbourhood, but on the letterboxes it keeps saying names like Darth Mort, Darth Sanguis, Darth Cruor, and various other Latin rip-off names)

(He reaches the sign saying 'Darth Vader' and rings the large plastic skull bell)

Padme- Oh, Obi Wan, its you, I hear that you and darthykins had a little tiff, so I can't talk to you anymore.

(Reads instructions in a book titled ' Clever retorts for (evil) dummies)

P- So you have decided to come out of the Roach-hole which you call a hovel?

OW (haughtily) – I prefer to call it a dwelling for the celibately challenged, thank you very much.

P (looks confused)

(Camera pans over her shoulder so we see inside of book)

CRFED- When in doubt, oh evil dummy, use one of the lines written below

(P's face lights up)

P (solemn) - Obi Wan, I am your father.

OW- Really and I thought I was an orphan.

(Runs at Padme sobbing)

OW- I missed you so much, daddy, all the kids beat me up, saying that contrary to what TV tells us, everything matters but who you are, oh daddy.

(Padme looks disgusted, throws book off screen and whacks OW over head with chair.

Scene#

Jedi#1- So why are we visiting the Queen of the democratic republic of Quaong again?

Jedi#2- Because it is in a state of turmoil?

J1- Out with it, why are we really visiting her?

J2- Because we are sad, celibate middle aged men who wish to ogle her

(Yoda acts as counterweight for parachuting jedis and is crushed)

(Queen Armadillo is sitting in bubbling pool)

J1- Wow, a Jacuzzi, lucky you.

QA- It's not a Jacuzzi

(Snooks surfaces)

S- Hey Hey!

J1+J2- Urgh

King (enters) What the hell is this?

NID- May I have the pleasure

(Shoots king with his hex vision)

J#38299938212- How did you get here?

NID- This is the space age (sighs, annoyed) Kirk beamed me down; I said I had to save some kittens from ultimate DOOOM!

(Light bulb appears over his head)

NID- While you are waiting for the impossibly large number of backup to arrive at the last minute you can place pork cuts on the charred corpse to make some GREAT blackened-king ham.

QA- Gee, only someone really evil would do that

(NID blushes and runs hands through hair)

NID- That is the sourest thing anyone has said to me in years

(Spots suit)

NID- I really like that suit of the late kings hanging up on the bathroom doorknob, you know, the one that looks like a gas meter

(Sign held by R2D2 saying 'For all the humans in the audience, it is the Darth Vader suit)

QA- You can have it, he wanted to be buried in his boiler-like suit anyway, it was his favourite (theatrical sob)

J1- Your majesty can stop crying, we are not reporters

(QA immediately stops)

(NID still contemplating suit)

NID- But I must be horribly maimed first, off to Obi I go

(Flies off to planet covered in lava in hovercraft)

DV- (Looks around) Yes, these surrounding will be perfect for that 'If I move a single cm I will die but still can fight with lasers on sticks' vibe

OW- HERE I AM! (Waves arms around manically)

DV- Fight me!

OW- First you must list all the naughty things you've done to ruse my heroic spirit

DV- Well, I hurt a fly

OW- It's kicking in

DV- Pulled a boys pigtail

OW- Yeeees…

DV- Took candy off a baby

OW- More….

DV- Put bows in a stupid fluffy dog's hair.

OW- I'm close..

DV- Watched Bambi without projectile vomiting

OW- Too-much-evil-pathetic-heroism-kicking-in--- ATTACK!

(Runs at DV brandishing a jumbo candy cane)

(Trademark light sabre sound)

OW (comes to screeching stop) ITS PURPLE!

DV- Do you have a problem with that, it brings out my eyes

OW- (clutching head) Defying-movie-stereotypes

(By now OW and DV are on tiny pieces of plastic which an unfeasibly not melting while lava fountains around them and melts giant metal structure)

OW (little girlie pushes DV into Lava)

Take that!

DV- My beautiful hair, NOO!

OW- I will now leave so someone can come along at just the right time and save DV for the sequels

(Draws broom in air with his candy cane and mounts it)

So long, suckers… (Gets sucked into airplane flown by Yoda which crashes into mountain)

DV- Wait a minute, this isn't lava, its eggnog, those cheap skates

Climbs into conveniently placed Starbucks

(Insert crowded Bathroom scene)


End file.
